My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
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[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
I came this close!!!!
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.