I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
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[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*