Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
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I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous