Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
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*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
If you had more money you’d be happier.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.