Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
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Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.