[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
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WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Candles never taste the way they smell
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy