Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
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i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.