dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
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Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
spicy snake
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.