her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
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Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Never go to sleep after making me angry
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”