“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
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*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Cheer up.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
awkward
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich