I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
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wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man