Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
You Might Also Like
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Me driving through Toronto
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.