*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
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When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
when dads have a rap battle
an octopus is just a wet spider
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but