I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
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When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Breaking news:
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Jupiter
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.