Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
You Might Also Like
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.