Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
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interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.