Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
You Might Also Like
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back