Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
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Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Yup
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.