My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
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#catsoftwitter
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….