I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
You Might Also Like
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.