*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
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I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
What if the weather talks about us?
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Meow
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu