Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
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Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”