Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
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The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.