You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
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I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!