Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
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AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
No point crayon over spilled milk.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”