Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
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Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
some Old Testament wisdom
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.