“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
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me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
My favorite female superhero
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
the #horror is real!
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.