I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
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They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Last-minute gift idea!
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?