“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
You Might Also Like
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.