There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
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Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist