James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
You Might Also Like
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!