Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
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[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.