It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
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Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”