[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
You Might Also Like
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
When does CPR become necrophilia?
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
2023 was just a warmup
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”