PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
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One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
my astrological sign is a french fry
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
wow he looks just like him