me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
You Might Also Like
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
The USS B port
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.