I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
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Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Do one person every day that scares you.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi