Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
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If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Sticker placement is key.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.