jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
You Might Also Like
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race