Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
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“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Check out the legs on this baby
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
rapatouille
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.