when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
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My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time