Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
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Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
wtf is a larm clock?
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv