making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
You Might Also Like
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Me trying to “trust the process”
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.