It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
You Might Also Like
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
is it earth
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK