At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
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You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
This trial is so absurd 😭
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy