When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
You Might Also Like
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
remember
only for emergencies
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
We need more people like this.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.