My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
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Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
a public service announcement
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
A woman drives into a bar.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it