If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
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Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.