professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
You Might Also Like
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT