Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
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Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean